And the world took its toll so you took yourself out of it
a homegoing we call it
but are you going home when
it wasn’t your life to begin to with.
It is written.
there are no mistakes.
I’m frustrated by my own guilt
as if this had anything to do with me
the selfishness of it all makes my heart race
and what about all the Oh My God’s
the chaos the questions
the mad scramble to get the answers
I can’t see
through the haze that took the light out of your fathers eyes
and what about him you left behind
you left behind the overwhelming urge
to reach back
and hug everyone I thought I loved
and laughed with
broke bread with
drank and drugged with
you left behind a panicky want
to reconnect with
every distant memory every blurry night
I want it back.
All I see is burnt orange curls and that wide eyed smile
I hear the rasp and rhythm
Now that you’re gone I remember you now.
Every adventure every open mic
The big apartment on Main St above Frank’s Pizza
You always ordered the jalapeno poppers
The infamous truth or dare night
And the tiny one on Atlantic Ave that was so close to the street
When you walked out the front door
You were damn near in the turning lane
We joked about that
Yes. I remember you now.
Before you became too much.
Before you were past tense gossip.
Before your name was prefaced with
has anyone heard from
what’s up with
whatever happened to
I remember you now.
Before the rabbit hole.
I miss you now.
And I’m so ashamed.
because I didn’t miss you before.