I crawl back to the craft like a raft in a sea
of dissidents confusion and discontent
I crawl back to the craft on all fours
after hiding under the drape of unrequited love
in all its hatefulness and heartache
its breaking point
its selling point
its need and hunger has stifled all contemplation
I missed the opportunity to mourn for Sean Bell
and cry at the inauguration
like an escape hatch
I crawl back to the craft after hiding from this small world
and turning a blind eye to history
the chance to seep in mystery and
theory of a life otherworldly
expound on wealth
not measured by any cup
dollar amount or material
missed my time to soak in the ethereal
abandoned the only gift I have ever been given
today it has not been written
and I’m sorry
I crawl back to the water.
parched and unsatisfied
toxic and unclean
mean in my spirit
jaded and fading
my existence just a transparency of everything I was blessed to be
made a of mess of me
I crawl back to the craft like a raft
in a sea of complacent mediocrity
and “I’m ok with neglect”
looking for salvation
and perfect peace
and God’s word unheard
because I forgot how to listen with my whole heart
selfishly only heard with
the desires of my flesh
and my loins
forgot how to find beauty
in me only
and shunned my obligation to revolt through my words I
the good people of
Palestine Mexico Haiti and Korea
the children of the south Bronx
gorgeous and lost
I forgot how to cry for them
and I’m sorry
cowardly and stunned
I crawl back to the craft
like the only love I’ve
begging for mercy
shade my eyes from its disapproving glance
I’m embarrassed and shocked
by my selfishness
I crawl back to the fire aching
for the passion of resistance
courage to walk the road less traveled
and imitate this life
dimmed my light
and became shortsighted
bowed out of the fight
I crawl back to the craft looking for
an extended hand
to help me stand
and wade through ambiguity….
And the world took its toll so you took yourself out of it
a homegoing we call it
but are you going home when
it wasn’t your life to begin to with.
It is written.
there are no mistakes.
I’m frustrated by my own guilt
as if this had anything to do with me
the selfishness of it all makes my heart race
and what about all the Oh My God’s
the chaos the questions
the mad scramble to get the answers
I can’t see
through the haze that took the light out of your fathers eyes
and what about him you left behind
you left behind the overwhelming urge
to reach back
and hug everyone I thought I loved
and laughed with
broke bread with
drank and drugged with
you left behind a panicky want
to reconnect with
every distant memory every blurry night
I want it back.
All I see is burnt orange curls and that wide eyed smile
I hear the rasp and rhythm
Now that you’re gone I remember you now.
Every adventure every open mic
The big apartment on Main St above Frank’s Pizza
You always ordered the jalapeno poppers
The infamous truth or dare night
And the tiny one on Atlantic Ave that was so close to the street
When you walked out the front door
You were damn near in the turning lane
We joked about that
Yes. I remember you now.
Before you became too much.
Before you were past tense gossip.
Before your name was prefaced with
has anyone heard from
what’s up with
whatever happened to
I remember you now.
Before the rabbit hole.
I miss you now.
And I’m so ashamed.
because I didn’t miss you before.